I've been mia. I know. partly due to this pregnancy's tiredness that I can't seem to shake, and partly due to a bit of writer's block that I succumb to easily because vegging and napping sound so much nicer than thinking.
in effort to blow through this current writing lull, my return to frequent posting will begin with a heart issue.
for the past few months I've been struggling with motherhood. I've never thought of myself as a natural mom. I never grew up dreaming about being a stay-at-home mom. even when I was pregnant with abel, I was nervous. but because we later found out about his chromosome defect and that he would not live long after birth, there was a strange sense of relief that motherhood would be a little longer in the distance for me. when I was pregnant with mischaela, I tried to come to terms with motherhood, but still, I formulated only a partial surrender in the form of part-time work after maternity leave. for every past pregnancy and born child, I knew there would be a portion, large or small, of my familiar, previous life as a working person to return to. I was comforted, in a weird sense, that my life wasn't going to defined by my offspring.
I don't know why I fight motherhood so much. when I'm among a group of moms, I let myself feel a little outcasted. I become the kid standing by the wall during recess, watching every one else run around and play, secretly hoping someone would invite me to play, but scared that they won't like the kid I am inside. my resistance to being defined by motherhood translates into being standoff-ish in the company of other women who have children. and then I often leave their company feeling lonely and misunderstood.
with this pregnancy, the reality of not returning to any part-time work for a significant chunk of time has left me feeling lost. seeing the vortex of stay-at-home-momness inching closer and closer with every week that passes, frightens me. and just what am I afraid of? I don't own curlers, I only have one pair of sweat pants, I don't know if I've ever eaten a bonbon before, and I don't have a tv to watch soap operas on. I guess that's just it, I'm afraid of other people hearing the phrase "I'm a stay-at-home mom" and them picturing the real me as a smelly sweatsuit clad, bonbon eating, soap opera buff with curlers falling out of my hair. ridiculous, yes, but more accurately, I'm afraid my identity will become lost in the mommy-world and suddenly I'm limited to conversations about potty-training techniques, comparing developmental achievements, and trading judgements cloaked as compliments.
there's more to me than wiping bums and negotiating over 2 more cookies.
though my conversational topics would betray my thoughts as somehow they always turn to mischaela.
I'm a walking contradiction. I can't stand it.
but it's not all wrapped up in what people think, it's also the fear of being consumed with "mommy, sit here, watch shay shay play", day in, day out, that I'm afraid will leave me a stranger to all the things that have been a part of deb in the past. will I take another photo of anything outside of my house again? will I have the space to be creative anymore? will I be able to complete complex sentences about in depth issues with people who have a developed vocabulary, on a regular basis?
as much as I've been looking forward to meeting this baby growing inside me, and as much as I absolutely love every day I get to spend with mischaela, I've been giving myself some mental space to mourn the loss of no longer being the person I've been used to for all my working life. that in place of outside income, I choose to embrace the humble position of being a loving mother to the children I get to raise. that I continue to remind myself that I "get" to raise these little people, and that's an incredible gift. because as much as I fight the term "motherhood", being mischaela's mom, abel's mom, and this coming child's mom, is something I truly desire and know is for me to embrace.
thanks for listening. would love to know I'm not alone in this.
in effort to blow through this current writing lull, my return to frequent posting will begin with a heart issue.
for the past few months I've been struggling with motherhood. I've never thought of myself as a natural mom. I never grew up dreaming about being a stay-at-home mom. even when I was pregnant with abel, I was nervous. but because we later found out about his chromosome defect and that he would not live long after birth, there was a strange sense of relief that motherhood would be a little longer in the distance for me. when I was pregnant with mischaela, I tried to come to terms with motherhood, but still, I formulated only a partial surrender in the form of part-time work after maternity leave. for every past pregnancy and born child, I knew there would be a portion, large or small, of my familiar, previous life as a working person to return to. I was comforted, in a weird sense, that my life wasn't going to defined by my offspring.
I don't know why I fight motherhood so much. when I'm among a group of moms, I let myself feel a little outcasted. I become the kid standing by the wall during recess, watching every one else run around and play, secretly hoping someone would invite me to play, but scared that they won't like the kid I am inside. my resistance to being defined by motherhood translates into being standoff-ish in the company of other women who have children. and then I often leave their company feeling lonely and misunderstood.
with this pregnancy, the reality of not returning to any part-time work for a significant chunk of time has left me feeling lost. seeing the vortex of stay-at-home-momness inching closer and closer with every week that passes, frightens me. and just what am I afraid of? I don't own curlers, I only have one pair of sweat pants, I don't know if I've ever eaten a bonbon before, and I don't have a tv to watch soap operas on. I guess that's just it, I'm afraid of other people hearing the phrase "I'm a stay-at-home mom" and them picturing the real me as a smelly sweatsuit clad, bonbon eating, soap opera buff with curlers falling out of my hair. ridiculous, yes, but more accurately, I'm afraid my identity will become lost in the mommy-world and suddenly I'm limited to conversations about potty-training techniques, comparing developmental achievements, and trading judgements cloaked as compliments.
there's more to me than wiping bums and negotiating over 2 more cookies.
though my conversational topics would betray my thoughts as somehow they always turn to mischaela.
I'm a walking contradiction. I can't stand it.
but it's not all wrapped up in what people think, it's also the fear of being consumed with "mommy, sit here, watch shay shay play", day in, day out, that I'm afraid will leave me a stranger to all the things that have been a part of deb in the past. will I take another photo of anything outside of my house again? will I have the space to be creative anymore? will I be able to complete complex sentences about in depth issues with people who have a developed vocabulary, on a regular basis?
as much as I've been looking forward to meeting this baby growing inside me, and as much as I absolutely love every day I get to spend with mischaela, I've been giving myself some mental space to mourn the loss of no longer being the person I've been used to for all my working life. that in place of outside income, I choose to embrace the humble position of being a loving mother to the children I get to raise. that I continue to remind myself that I "get" to raise these little people, and that's an incredible gift. because as much as I fight the term "motherhood", being mischaela's mom, abel's mom, and this coming child's mom, is something I truly desire and know is for me to embrace.
thanks for listening. would love to know I'm not alone in this.
10 comments:
Not that I have any experience in this area (I do own and regularly use hair curlers, and enjoy a variety of soap operas and bonbons though!) - I just wanted to point out that, from an objective POV, you seem to have no lack of creative/artistic opportunities (cakes, etc.) and also, remember the kids will grow up too!
From growing up in a daycare, I know that kids are most needy up to about age 5, and then they have friends and playdates and you'll get lots more Deb-time later on.
But again, what do I know? :) (except about curlers: the snap-on types leave bend marks in your hair, so I'd go with either velcro or brush-style curlers - less likely to fall out!)
I'm not a mom, so I don't have any personal, relatable experience to add here. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your heart, as you always seem to do, with such honesty. It makes me feel like it might be okay to share mine. And I (sometimes, often, always) need that permission.
Thank you for sharing! At least I know that if and when my time comes, I won't be the only one thinking these almost exact same thoughts (because I'm afraid of them now).
Deb, though I'm not at that life stage yet, this is very near the top of Things That Concern Me About Marriage. I'm in a small group full of young-marrieds-with-small-children, and this seems to be a common prayer request/ circumstance. So you aren't alone by any means.
Deb, thanks for sharing. These thoughts definitely cross my mind as I get closer to having kids - so to echo other comments, you definitely are not alone in this. Its sort of comforting to know that even though someone like you who seems to be loving motherhood so much, also has moments like this. At least now I don't necessarily have to wait for these thoughts to go away completely in order to feel like its the "right time". Also, I think it was very wise of one of your readers to point out the big picture - that they'll grow up!
Thanks for sharing Deb. I've recently been make the same ponderings myself...also found this mom post interesting http://www.girlsandbicycles.ca/2011/11/reflections-on-young-motherhood.html
Karen J.
Hi Deb, I've read your blog often but never commented though always appreciated but had to say here that I completely resonate with what you're saying. This has been my ongoing lesson these last 17 months and it's hard - I'm having an identity crisis! :) There is the objective side of me that says it is good because I recognize that a lot of those things are idols in my life that need to be wrestled away from me but it's not fun! That's all I have to say - you're not alone!
Janette
I just love you Deb. Although I am no where near being a mom I can relate to the things you have said. I love your openness and willingness to share your heart. You are beautiful!
love your honesty Deb.
I'd say I most fear what people may think when they find out I'm a stay-at-home mom. Because I know what I used to think.
"How lucky, her husband must make a lot of money"
"wow, she must be so lazy"
"I'd be so bored!"
"she probably doesn't have a university degree"
And even though I thought those things in sin, and now know that I'm the wife of a husband with a small income, I wish I had the TIME to be lazy, I'm never bored, and my university diploma sits proudly in a frame, I still fear those thoughts, though I'm a big fan of staying home with my kids.
Definitely feel like a walking contradiction too, but personally, if I forget to consider that some may thing negatively of me staying home with my kids, I'm so content here. So for me at least, it's an idolatry and self-image thing.
wow, thank you for your sharing, Deb!I checked almost everyday to see if you wrote something. Yeh, you did! (no pressure here, I just learn to be honest and share my thoughts.)I always admire young women who are willing to set aside their career/professional position for our future CEO/governor/inventor/regular but healthy citizen! Thank you, all the stay-at-home-moms!You are my hero!
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